TMI: or my brain on ipecac
I have an onslaught of self reflection in others around me right now. It is making me look into how I have changed since I was a teen, or even a 20-something.
I am reading Red: Teenage girls in America write on what fires up their lives today. There are many amazing stories in this book, some related to body issues, some to family, school, life, etc. I am only about halfway through, but what really strikes me is that none of these stories say "poor me." Some are happy and some are sad, others are about outright amazing situations, but they all look at a time in a girl's life when she had a transition, or overcame a trial, or had an issue that she is still struggling with. It is inspirational to read these stories, even though you don't necessarily know how they turned out.
Someone close to me has a private journal about her struggle with an eating disorder. I find myself recognizing many of her feelings, even those of restricting food and ideas of worthiness. When I was younger, I used to lament my inability to follow the regimine I would try to set myself for food and exercise. I judged myself for eating "too much," for not being "thin." I judged myself for a lot of other things as well, but I always had this idea that if only I could fix that one thing about myself, everything else would fall into place. I am not trying to belittle my friends current experience by relating it to mine. She has her own situation, her own demons to fight. It is a serious struggle for her. I was lucky I was unable to follow the same path. I just didn't know it then. And yes, I know I am not fat (although part of my brain wants to qualify that statement. Down fido!)
I also recognize some of her feelings about family members. Not being sure who loved me, or what my relationship was with my Father, my Mother, my Grandparents. I would decide I didn't care and lock certain people out of my life--probably unknown to them. Some off hand comment would hurt me and I would retreat, withdraw my affection, my attention, my admiration. I have grown up now, and one of the most important thing my therapist taught me was to forgive, even if there wasn't anything to really forgive, you had to let bad feelings go because they cloud up your present and prevent you from being happy. I feel confident in my relationships with my family these days and there is only one person that I haven't been able to forgive. I hope to someday, it is a thorn in my side and a blight on holidays.
As a teen, I struggled with being left out. When I wasn't left out, I was teased. I had some good friends, but I also had some friends who were not good. The second ones fueled my low self esteem, made their friendship contingent on what I could give them, or how I made them look. If I was suddenly noticed by the popular crowd for a dose of meanness, these friends would desert me until the coast was clear. I was awkward, and I am not sure if I started out that way, or became that way after moving to my new school and becoming an outcast. Pictures of me from that time prove that I had a cute face, unruly hair, clothes that didn't fit and a bad fashion sense.
I just saw 3 runners, looking healthy and hale, come in on their run to all the library branches today. You can follow their trail here: http://www.twitter.com/seesamrun. I wonder, what is the difference between an eating disorder and being a ultramarathon runner? They must have rules for eating and exercising, and to many of the rest of us, it must seem like a strange set of rules, a strange way of life. Is it more acceptable because they accomplish something? Just questions running through my mind. I think these athletes are amazing and doing great things.
Lunch is about over, and I have to get to my Instruction Committee Meeting. Ciao!
I am reading Red: Teenage girls in America write on what fires up their lives today. There are many amazing stories in this book, some related to body issues, some to family, school, life, etc. I am only about halfway through, but what really strikes me is that none of these stories say "poor me." Some are happy and some are sad, others are about outright amazing situations, but they all look at a time in a girl's life when she had a transition, or overcame a trial, or had an issue that she is still struggling with. It is inspirational to read these stories, even though you don't necessarily know how they turned out.
Someone close to me has a private journal about her struggle with an eating disorder. I find myself recognizing many of her feelings, even those of restricting food and ideas of worthiness. When I was younger, I used to lament my inability to follow the regimine I would try to set myself for food and exercise. I judged myself for eating "too much," for not being "thin." I judged myself for a lot of other things as well, but I always had this idea that if only I could fix that one thing about myself, everything else would fall into place. I am not trying to belittle my friends current experience by relating it to mine. She has her own situation, her own demons to fight. It is a serious struggle for her. I was lucky I was unable to follow the same path. I just didn't know it then. And yes, I know I am not fat (although part of my brain wants to qualify that statement. Down fido!)
I also recognize some of her feelings about family members. Not being sure who loved me, or what my relationship was with my Father, my Mother, my Grandparents. I would decide I didn't care and lock certain people out of my life--probably unknown to them. Some off hand comment would hurt me and I would retreat, withdraw my affection, my attention, my admiration. I have grown up now, and one of the most important thing my therapist taught me was to forgive, even if there wasn't anything to really forgive, you had to let bad feelings go because they cloud up your present and prevent you from being happy. I feel confident in my relationships with my family these days and there is only one person that I haven't been able to forgive. I hope to someday, it is a thorn in my side and a blight on holidays.
As a teen, I struggled with being left out. When I wasn't left out, I was teased. I had some good friends, but I also had some friends who were not good. The second ones fueled my low self esteem, made their friendship contingent on what I could give them, or how I made them look. If I was suddenly noticed by the popular crowd for a dose of meanness, these friends would desert me until the coast was clear. I was awkward, and I am not sure if I started out that way, or became that way after moving to my new school and becoming an outcast. Pictures of me from that time prove that I had a cute face, unruly hair, clothes that didn't fit and a bad fashion sense.
I just saw 3 runners, looking healthy and hale, come in on their run to all the library branches today. You can follow their trail here: http://www.twitter.com/seesamrun. I wonder, what is the difference between an eating disorder and being a ultramarathon runner? They must have rules for eating and exercising, and to many of the rest of us, it must seem like a strange set of rules, a strange way of life. Is it more acceptable because they accomplish something? Just questions running through my mind. I think these athletes are amazing and doing great things.
Lunch is about over, and I have to get to my Instruction Committee Meeting. Ciao!
posted by srcsmgrl at
12:21 AM
6 Comments:
Good thoughts, I'd say the difference between some of those athletes and someone with an eating disorder might be motives I could be wrong, but I don't think they suffer from the shame and other qualifiers for an eating disorder, although I'd bet some of them do. Anyhow, just my two cents
By
Chris, at 5:51 PM
I agree, the motives and the self-worth would make the difference. There is probably some portion of every population that abuses themselves in some way.
By
srcsmgrl, at 6:21 PM
I've noticed at school and at work, the women of the Millenial Generation are willing to work hard. Of course, I've also noticed that their definition of hard work is amount of hours put in, compared to quality of work like we were taught. They think nothing of picking up their Blackberries in the middle of a meeting or during a busy time. It's really weird to me.
As far as self reflection goes, I moved across country in the middle of Junior High, so I remember being popular then knowing no one at all. The first kids to befriend me out here were kind of quirky, and the popular kids were waaay too country for my liking. I think quirky in PNW means nice, smart and open-minded. Atributes we find to be "normal" back east.
However, I've found that if you refuse to give-up, those "popular" people are forced to come down a level in order to work with you. I've found it's a type of person, not necessarily a particular group, that are excluding and I'm currently experiencing that as the only female in my Engineering class.
By
Allucas, at 6:32 PM
I had a lot of bad advice on how to deal with things. And I didn't deal well either. I can take some of the blame for not standing up for myself. Counselors and parents told me to ignore them and they would go away. Not the case, as we well know now.
By
srcsmgrl, at 9:21 PM
Interesting post. I might just put a hold on that book.
Oh, by the way, if you want, I can lend you the The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao book that Urs gave me for Christmas. Not quite teen, but maybe young adult?
By
Roselle Kingsbury, at 2:36 PM
I'd love to borrow the Brief and Wonderous life, but I have to warn you, it might take me a while to read. I have actually gotten that book in on hold twice and had to let it go back without reading it because my YA reading list was too long. I have 3 books that I am reading/listening to right now. That is sad, I never used to double up on books.
By
srcsmgrl, at 9:04 PM
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